Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Tag Archives: cyndi

National Hot Tub Day – March 28 – Worthless Tips to Make It Awesome!

sa-1807454_1920.jpgAh, March 28 is National Hot Tub Day according to some random website I stumbled upon when I was bored one evening (who says this internet isn’t helpful and only spreads “fake news”?).  Throw on your speedo, thong, or your bikini, play some Kenny G, and hit the hot tub because it is National Hot Tub Day!!

On a side tangent, I noticed that romance writers love hot tubs.  They write the hot tubs into their stories all the time.  Yes, I read romance novels.  In between rapid reading of my gun magazines, truck magazines, and muscle car magazines, resides my collection of romance novels.  Since I am a caring and sensitive guy (just ask my imaginary stalker Cyndi), you know that I am a great fan of romance novels.

But let’s get back to the focus of National Hot Tub Day and that is Hot Tubs.  Hot tubs are a wonderful way to soak away your problems and worries.  It’s like a vacation at your own home.  I like to make sure my hot tub is properly maintained.  Lucky for me, I don’t have sensitive skin, just sensitive feelings.  OK, we know I don’t have any feelings but we still want to have some nice hot tub water.martini-1117932_1920.jpg

Lately, we have had some cold and rainy weather.  After all, it is Seattle and we don’t get sunshine until July.  I’ve been feeling cold lately, so I love to enjoy the hot tub when it is chilly out.  My muscles and joint loosen up and I can just sit there and float.  For roughly 15 minutes, I can just relax.  I can pretend I’m at a ski resort or on the beach on the island of Kauai.

Tips for Successful Hot Tub Party Day:

  • What if you don’t have a hot tub? Find a friend or a neighbor that has one.  Then invite yourself over on National Hot Tub Day.  You owe it to them to honor this day!

  • Avoid Alcohol – Wait, what? Yes, we all know I enjoy a nice whiskey but alcohol and hot tubs aren’t a good mix.  Hot Tub water dilutes your cocktail too much.  The warm water in your hot tub can speed up the process of inebriation, and can increase your chances of a hangover

  • Avoid Falling Asleep in the Hot Tub – you should focusing on the soaking and relaxing of the hot water.  Enjoy this moment, save sleeping for your bed.

  • Have Music – What to play?  Some Depeche Mode? Some Kenny G? Some Lady Gaga remix?  The theme from the movie “Jaws”?  It’s up to you, but don’t keep that stereo or iPhone too close to the hot tub.  You don’t want your imaginary friends to knock it in.

  • Have Extra Towels Available – you know some goofball will forget his towel and then wander around your house looking for one.  That’s a good way to ruin your hardwood floors.  Have a stack of old towels ready for him.

  • Clean! – Keep the area around your hot tub clean.  Vacuum up all the lose dirt, dog hair, old fern leaves, and candy wrappers.  You don’t want to drag all that stuff into your hot tub.

  • Take A Shower – Encourage your guest to shower BEFORE they come over to hot tub.  The less body oils, old sweat, stripper dust, and daily dirt you have coming into the hot tub, the better!  It cuts down on chemical use.

  • Check the Chemical Levels – You should be doing daily or weekly check of the chemicals.  Use those water test strips.

Those are my awesome (or rather worthless) hot tub tips for National Hot Tub Day!  I know you won’t bother to play attention to them but at least pretend you read the whole blog post and give it a big “LIKE”.  Can you do that?  Thanks!

 

 

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Best Spring Cleaning Tips for the Slacker (that means You!)

Spring is here!  Besides the insane amount of rain we have received in the last three weeks, spring is here and we are all happy!  Pretty flowers and the smell of cleaning products are in the air.  With the arrival of Spring, one should focus on the “cleaning” part of “Spring Cleaning”.

But what should you do to jump start your Spring Cleaning adventures? Oh, and you know it will be an adventure with all the worthless crap you have stuffed into your hall closet.  Like a trip down memory lane (and a STD), all the forgotten items will appear once again!  Your old caveman costume, your President Trump facemask, your skateboard from junior high, and your goals and dreams that you have forgotten; they can all be found in various storage bins under your stairs.

The best advice is to…wait, we never follow the best advice…we follow the worthless advice!

  1. Before you begin cleaning, it is a great idea to learn all about cleaning!  So surf the internet and watch as many cleaning videos you can find.  With a quick search of YouTube, I’m sure you’ll waste away hours (if not days) of time that you could have devoted to cleaning!

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    Learn all you can about cleaning on the internet becaus

  2. To Save Money, borrow cleaning items from your neighbor.  This saves you a trip to the store and saves you money.  You can use almost all of their Pine Sol cleaner.  Remember to leave a little in the bottle when you return it.  Don’t be selfish.
  3. Get the family involved with “Prison Cleaning Crew” game!  This game involves telling your kids they have been found guilty in a court of law and now must do community service.  Sure, your kids are “probably” innocent of their crimes, but this shows them that if they could have afforded a better lawyer, they could have gotten off scot-free.
  4. Declutter – Throw it all out…bills, love letters from Beth, and credit card offers are all going to the recycling bin.  She broke your heart once, you don’t need those love letters causing you to rethink your new relationship with your cat Mindi.  Mindi is prefect for you, she loves you.  Did Beth really love you?  No, she didn’t.  If she did, she would have stayed instead of running off with that rich Columbian drug lord.
  5. Skip the Broom…use your Leaf Blower instead.  Sweeping out the kitchen takes too long, just grab that leaf blower, open the patio door, and let the dust, cat hair, and winter depression get blown right outside.
  6. Nuke your sponges!  If you like to think your sponges are clean; they aren’t.  Nuke them in the microwave for two minutes.  If they still misbehave, throw them in the clothes dryer for 15  minutes.  I can’t promise the microwave won’t report back to the government what you are doing but I’m pretty sure the clothes dryer is part of the resistance.  You can talk to the dryer, trust the dryer, the dryer is your friend.
  7. Windows – just close your blinds or drapes.  See? You don’t see how dirty they are, do you?
  8. Lightbulbs – replace those bright lightbulbs with low-watt ones.  The darker the room, the less you notice the clutter and grime.
  9. Sell and/or give all your worthless crap on Craig’s List.  Remember, Craig’s List isn’t for meeting serial killers and your next “date”, it can also be use for free trash removal.  You slap a “FREE” sign on any Craig’s List post and it will be gone that day.  If the item is heavy, say you have a bad back and the new owners will carry it out themselves.

There is even a National Spring Cleaning week from March 12-17…oh wait, that already happened and technically spring doesn’t officially start until March 20…but you are still too late.  Just wait until next year to do your spring cleaning!  Just like you gave up on your hopes and desires years ago, you should give up on Spring Cleaning now.

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Let’s Kill the Leprechaun – Tips for a Successful St. Patrick’s Day!

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Yippee!  It is St. Patrick’s Day, the day second only to Halloween for a day where you can get drunk, dress in a bad costume, and act like a fool!  Well, to be clear….I usually make a fool out of myself on Valentine’s Day and National Hot Tub Day (why isn’t National Hot Tub Day a Federal Holiday yet?).  However, back to the point of this worthless advice blog…St. Patrick’s Day.  In the good old United States of America, we all become Irish on St. Patrick’s Day (March 17).

Lucky for you, I’m part Irish so I can offer my three blog readers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi (who wears sunglasses on the darkest, winter, overcast days) great advice on St. Patrick’s Day.

Tips to be the Best Fake Irish Person You Can Be:

  • Randomly yell “Kill the Leprechaun” when you are out at the bar, drinking with your non-Irish friends.  Wear a green wig…everyone likes people that wear wigs.
  • You can also yell “Kill the Leprechaun” at your child’s school.  Make sure you have singled out that redhead music teacher (no one likes her anyway).
  • Get a Redhead Spouse….just make sure she isn’t the music teacher you just made fun of.
  • Make EVERYTHING green…green…green!…make green pancakes…….make green beer…make green cats….

food-PANCAKESgreengreen-beer-2103313cat-GREEN

  • On St. Patrick’s Day, You should always talk in a stupid “Irish” accent….or a “Scottish” one or an “English” one….no one in America can really can tell the difference anyway.  Just say “Top of the Morning!” to everyone.
  • Wear cheap plastic shamrock necklaces.  Everyone likes it when the “Made In China” necklace breaks, and those stupid beads and shamrocks are all over the floor, making you slip and fall.
  • Wear your green throng underwear (I’m talking to you gentleman readers.  Ladies, you can wear whatever you like).  Heck, ladies you can even enter a St. Patrick’s Day bikini contest!  Nothing puts the “Saint” back into St. Patrick’s Day like a visit to a bar in a bikini!  Click on this link for a Bikini bar video!
  • Drink Irish whiskey…or wine…green beer…or whatever…it doesn’t matter…just be that annoying douche bag who drinks too much.  Kind of like how you are every other day of the year, annoying…and drunk…but really just annoying.
  • Oh, don’t forget to wear something green….like the lettuce you have stuck in your teeth.  Nothing like getting your vegetables and sadness all in one day.

But you know something that rocks on St. Patrick’s Day?  This Lego video!

And if you just need to mellow out…enjoy this video!

You wasted your St. Patrick’s Day reading this blog, but at least you helped me get my readership numbers up.  And be happy that I didn’t make this post into a history lesson.  Leave me a comment or a link to a funny cat video.  Please, and write in an Irish accent…

One more video…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Writing Your Novel Tips! Worthless Advice that won’t help you in the least!

Well, I have no helpful writing tips for you and your upcoming bestselling novel.  This is my worthless advice blog, remember?  If you want some helpful tips, you might as well just click over to someone who is helpful like: Jenna Morcci.  She’s an author/writer/blogger I stumbled upon, while I was watching YouTube.  Before you judge me, my YouTube viewing is called “research.” While I was “researching” something…. (Truth be told, you know I was wasting time with Mr. Whiskers by my side, trying to figure out something on YouTube when Jenna Morcci’s writing videos came into my feed).

Let’s get to the point….She is hilarious!  Well crafted videos that are a bit sarcastic, but helpful on writing.  She’s informative, delightful, and has some great writing points.  Hmm, she could be more helpful than my worthless advice blog and that could be dangerous.  Perhaps, she could be my arch enemy?  Nah, that would involve me thinking too much of plot lines, character development, and how to write more than two sentences together and thus make something worthwhile.  One of my favorite videos is at the end of this post.

To combat her cleverness, I probably should throw together a witty list of “How to Write a Novel” tips.  Here goes my worthless advice tips list that won’t help you at all:

  1. Write in a Safe Space.  Yes, go to your safe space.  This could be an extra room in your house, under the stairs, the local coffee shop, or the pub down the street (see item #2).
  2. Consume large quantities of alcohol.  All the great, successful writer were drunks.  Why should you be any different?  Drink up!  You could even have a signature drink!
  3. Play music appropriate to your writing style.  Feeling romantic? Play some love songs.  Your story takes place at an all night rave?  Throw on some EMD trance music.
  4. Read.  Heck, you can’t write if you don’t read.  Read your genre or just read the classics.  Just don’t sit around and do nothing.whirlpool-1580294_1920.jpg  Pick up that Kindle and read!
  5. Soak in a Hot Tub – this is a wonderful way to relax, brainstorm, and not write.  You are in a hot tub, how could you write anything down?
  6. Surf the internet.  Remember I said not to sit around and do nothing?  Well, start surfing that internet and enjoy learning about how to snowboard in New Zealand.  It won’t help you write but you might end up with a great storyline, a blog post, or a new place to visit.
  7. Watch YouTube videos.  This is an awesome way to learn a new skill…how to change out a wheel bearing, how to paint your house, how to waste time watching You Tube videos about how to be successful.  It’s always just a big circle; watch a video and never write that next great American novel.
  8. Play with your cat!  What can you distract you more than your cat?  So cute, so cuddling.  It makes you want to watch cute cat videos on YouTube!  Am I right?  You know I am.
  9. Chat with your Imaginary Stalker Cyndi -You know you haven’t been paying enough attention to Cyndi and she doesn’t like that.  She will get you back….and she is your #1 fan!

Luckily, I know none of these tips will help you to become a better writer.  I know they won’t help you doing anything that moves you along to becoming successful, or happy, or the pride of your family.

Here’s a link to Jenna’s videos.  If you like a snarky attitude, you like to write, and you think I might actually have some good advice for you, just click on her video!  I don’t get paid to say how much I enjoy her videos, but she is pretty funny.  She should at least take me out to dinner for all of the web traffic my blog will be sending her…. No, I’m not in love with her…. (my wife will roll her eyes when she reads this part…).  Until Jenna comments on my blog….I bid you a fond farewell.

 

Meet my friend Craig’s List

Since it is summer time, we have a few chores around my house that we need to finish up.  One is clearing out the “treasures” (worthless crap) we have accumulated over the years but have no good use for anymore.  Granted, at one time I thought I did need a huge pink “Hello Kitty” desk for my office to be a successful blogger, but now I know I don’t (mainly because I’m not a successful blogger).  Besides, my imaginary stalker Cyndi said she would gladly take it off my hands anytime I needed her to.

Unlike my worthless advice I offer to you my dear readers, some of these items are good, usable items.  And you know I really hate making the trip to the local garbage dump when I know a lot of my treasures could have a second life with someone else.  That’s when I turn to my friend Craig’s List.

Sure, some people are scared of Craig’s List (because who isn’t scared of meeting a stranger in a back alley for new flat screen TV?) but when you want to avoid making a trip to the garbage dump, Craig’s List can be your best friend.  Now that I don’t have a truck, it is hard for me to take large items to the garbage dump, donation center, or the recycling center.  Instead of me asking my friend to borrow his truck, I throw everything up on Craig’s List for free.

Today, I got rid of some really cool solar water heater panels.  They aren’t as bad as having a broken down wash machine in your front hard, but solar panels were nice but a wind storm had knocked them over and the glass was destroyed.  I had a few problems setting up the solar water heater system last year, then replacing the glass seemed expensive (4 ft x 8 ft sheets), and they didn’t fit into my “White Trash Theme” I have going on in the backyard, so I decided to get rid of them.  Now, I’m sure I could have sold them on Craig’s List but sometimes that is more of a hassle that the money I’d make out of the project.

This morning I posted the ad and within 30 minutes, two guys came and picked them up. As a bonus, they also picked up all my other free junk out in the driveway.  It was awesome.  I just saved myself about $50 in dump fees and a trip to the Bow Lake Transfer Station.

If you are worried about people coming to your house, you can also put your treasures on the corner of your neighborhood with a “free” sign on it.  I have a neighbor who is gone 11 months of the year so we usually put all the items in front of his house.  Plus, I have an awesome view of watching people gathering up my “treasures”.

That’s your worthless advice tip of the day!  Keep on getting rid of those treasures!

Moron or Mentor…your choice!

Sometimes, you need a little guidance and direction in your life.  You feel a little lost?  Perhaps you need a little direction in your life?  Do you have that nagging feeling that you aren’t headed into the best years of your life?  In my vast time surfing the web, scrolling through thousands of tweets, and reading numerous Facebook posts, I see a common thread of having good mentors in your life.  However, are we listening to Mentors or Morons?

Yes, the good old mentor, a beacon of guidance and coaching that can help lead us on a path of success.  Of course, reading my worthless advice blog won’t help you in the least bit, but that’s ok with you, right?  You need someone to listen to and it might as well be me, right?

You could argue that my advice is pretty solid on a number of issues like business, family life, and how to keep your imaginary stalker Cyndi happy, but my cat Mr. Whiskers might disagree on my cat raising skills.  Perhaps that is where the moron part comes in?

In your everyday life, you will come across people with great ideas, smart as a whip, highly intelligent.  And then other times you come across people that are complete morons and you wonder how they are still alive.  The most annoying mentors are the ones that seem pretty dumb yet they somehow have a huge following and make money.  How is it possible?  I don’t understand it.  My blog of worthless advice is a joke but I spew out the same nonsense they do, and non of my three followers have made me rich. (Cyndi my imaginary stalker doesn’t have a lot of money….)

Mentors and gurus are people we look to for guidance on how to live our lives or to run or business.  We can also throw in the term Life Coach because frankly I haven’t a clue what the hell they do anyway.  I should become a Life Coach or a Guru (after I repackage a bunch of old self-help programs as my own).  I’d be awesome at it.IMG_7749.JPG

Either they are brilliant or the they are morons and the line between the two is very thin at times. Much like my blog is based on what I loosely term as “advice”.  That’s why most of the posts are worthless.  But it is a worthless advice blog.

My Mentor/Guru motto: Get out there and roll around with the bears and butterflies! (Another phrase I invented that I’m sure will become an internet sensation!)

“Get out there and roll around with the bears and butterflies!” means whatever I need it to me at the time someone decides to ask me about it.  I’ll be vague and talk about mentors.  It will be prefect.

Ah, another successful “life” post!  Have an awesome day my readers!

The Holidays are here…Are You Ready?

I have to admit, I don’t feel stressed out about the holiday season…yet. We have all the parties scheduled on the family calendar and my wife has figured out the gifts for the kids. I was even proactive and purchased my wife’s Christmas gift for her this past week (a week ahead of schedule). I have pretty much given up on guessing what she wanted about ten years ago. I ask her to create a list for me so I can avoid feeling like an idiot on Christmas morning. Honey, you don’t like the gun rack I got for you? Camo ain’t your favorite color for a nightgown?

Some wives would say “You should know me by now and know exactly what I want”. Really? Isn’t that a recipe for disaster? Would you trust your husband?  This is the same guy who burns water and can’t cook a hot dog correctly.  I know who I am: I’m a moron when it comes to gifts and presents. My wife is way too smart to leave her present up to chance. She knows I am clueless when it comes to gifts. Sure, you can buy your wife a new car, a diamond necklace, or maybe even plan a trip to Kauai and you would be safe. But can a husband really think what his wife wants? No, he can’t. Those gifts are fool proof. Who wouldn’t want those things?

Yes, I’m safe and sane when it comes to the gift department. Why try to disappoint my wife? She doesn’t deserve to be disappointed (seriously, being married to me is already a disappointment). Let her enjoy Christmas morning with a gift she really wants. The wish list makes life so much easier and safer. Of course, I must admit those fuzzy Hello Kitty bathroom slippers would look pretty good on her feet….

Enjoy your day!

Kevin Hellriegel

Merry Christmas!

The Burden of Brains and Beauty (and Awesome Reviews from my Customers!)

There are a lot of things I am good at: Photography, sleeping, swimming, aikido, to name a few.  There are other things I’m OK at doing: building decks, mowing lawns, blogging, walking and chewing gum at the same time.  And then are things that I have never done but I get thrown into (and thus have to rise to the challenge).  A clear example: Running the cash register at my cousin’s husband’s Gyro Café Seattle near Group Health on Capitol Hill. 

Allow me to jog your memory about my truly awesome performance.  Back on February 4, 2014, I worked at Gyro Café Seattle for a whole two hours.  As an excellent blogger, I wrote about my cashier experience here on my blog of worthless advice.  Here is the link:

As in any endeavor I partake in, I rocked it.  It was a little hard at first.  However, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t rise to the top and become the best employee he has ever seen.  I even awarded myself the Employee of the Month Award on my first day on the job (click here). 

So imagine to my surprise when I received the other day, a text from my cousin Kim (who monitors the Yelp! Reviews ) about a review she had from the time I worked there.  Dear cousin Kim was reading through the Yelp reviews and came across one from the day I worked the cash register. Keep in mind, I was there for a mere two hours at the Café Gyro Seattle and that was way back in February 2014.  As you can see below, I got an excellent review…5 out of 5 stars.  (Which is really no surprise, right?)

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And I’m planning to milk this thing forever!  I put it on my Facebook and now on my blog.

Here’s my reviewer…I’m sure this isn’t her real photo but she has the potential to be become the future Mrs. Kevin Hellriegel Number 2 (or it just Cyndi my imaginary stalker).

To be honest, this reviewer is actually probably one of my friends (or cousins) playing a trick on me.  At least, this is my train of thought because it was created on the day my blog post went up.  Or is this actually Cyndi, my imaginary stalker writing it?  We had a few friends over for dinner yesterday and they thought for sure I wrote it.  It would have been a big coup on my part but I didn’t write it. 

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So after this wonderful review….what is the next thing I plan to do?  Uh, work there every Monday and be the sarcastic older hunk with the dreamy eyes for this reviewer (if this reviewer actually were a real person).  What else would I do?  Sometimes you have to give the (imaginary customers) public what they want.  I will do anything to boost sales.  I am going to be the eye candy for to help increase sales.  I can accept that burden for my dear family.

 I hope you see you all there on Mondays for a wonderful lunch.  What could be better besides some sarcastic quips AND awesome food???

 Thanks for reading.  Have a great weekend.

Tainted Love Tuesdays on LMN: How to Make Your Life Exciting!!

You just have to enjoy a good movie on Tuesday, especially when it is a Tainted Love Tuesday movie on Lifetime. Always a source of enjoyment for me because I love the craziness of the relationships that are portrayed on the storyline.

My life is very normal. Some would say “dull”. My friends complain I drive like an old man.

All these character traits make me prefect at giving awesome worthless advice. It helps me keep my worthless advice so real and true to the heart. I don’t have a spouse that wants to kill me for insurance money nor do I have a business partner that wants the business all for himself. My career choice is somewhat dull. I do have a vivid imagination which helps me from dying of boredom but otherwise I’m a fairly normal person.

I don’t have any dangerous hobbies that makes me exciting or interesting.

Yet, I offer a solid safe port of worthless advice for my four dear followers and my imaginary stalker Cyndi. I am the clear thinking person you can email or call and I’m there to get your head back in the right space. I make calmness appear from chaos.

I’m not a therapist and I can’t magically solve your problems. I’m no superhero. I just like to listen and hear your problems, ideas, thoughts, troubles and hopefully give you someone else to believe in.

Father Daughter Roller Coaster Adverture Trip

Last week, I took my 11 year old daughter on a nice Father-Daughter trip to California for about six days for a Roller Coaster Ride Trip.  She is the only one in the family that enjoys the rollercoasters and other scary thrill rides that you find at the amusement parks.  I personally like the roller coasters the most.  My least favorite amusement park rides are the drop zone rides.

Sure...some of us were having fun!

Sure…some of us were having fun!

Discovery Kindgdom

The drop zone rides are the ones that go up 100, 200, 300, whatever feet into the air and drop you.  You are strapped in with a metal roll bar seat and there is no chance of falling out.  That still doesn’t calm me.  They hoist you in the air vertically straight up with your feet dangling.  At the top, they allow you to enjoy the view for a few seconds allowing just enough time for you to tell yourself “Hey, this isn’t so bad….” Then you free fall down rapidly (it is gravity after all) and come to a fairly gentle stop at the bottom.  I just don’t like them.

My second least favorite rides are swinging and/or spinning rides.  They don’t scare me but they do make me sick if they go too long.  I can handle the inverted rolls on a roller coaster but the swinging back and forth motion doesn’t agree with my stomach as at all.

I enjoy the roller coaster and I lean towards the thrill of the tight ride of the metal coasters.  I will ride wooden coasters but I feel I’m bouncing around a little too much to be really comfortable.  Don’t get me wrong; if it is a roller coaster or a thrill ride I’m up for it.

We left Saturday February 15 and flew into Sacramento.  We have some friends that moved down there a few years back and it was an excellent visit with them.  We drove over to Vallejo, CA and went to Six Flag’s Discovery Kingdom Theme park.  Some of the exhibits were not open (like the water rides) but this was fine for us.  The weather report said rain but we ended up with sunshine and pleasant temperatures in the 70s.

This park wasn’t bad and we didn’t have long crazy lines due to the time of year.  I’m not too interested in the animal side of the park which didn’t appear to be running too many shows.  Get out of my way; I’m here for the thrill rides.  Our favorite ride at Discovery Kingdom was Medusa with the Superman ride coming in a close second.  On Medusa, if you can sit in the front, it is definitely worth it.  I think Superman was overall awesome and all seats are pretty enjoyable.

Superman Ride at Discovery Kingdom

Superman Ride at Discovery Kingdom

In my next blog, I’ll talk more about our vacation trip and bore you to tears.  I’m assuming my readership will rapidly drop off and I’ll be writing an online diary to myself than a blog for the masses.  At least I’ll always have my imaginary stalker Cyndi to read my blog.
Good bye for now Discovery Kingdom

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