April 4, 2017
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I sometimes worry myself about how I can even figure this stuff out…..
Ok, maybe you just can’t handle the whole “owing a house or renting an apartment” thing. Maybe you are more suited to living in your car or in a shipping crate by the railroad tracks. Perhaps that is more of your housing style, however, what will you do about showers, laundry, and sleeping arrangements?
Not to worry dear readers, my worthless advice about “How to Be Homeless” will give you all the awesome advice (or perhaps worthless advice) you need to be successful as a homeless person.
In addition, my tips will allow you to save money and become a success in your personal and professional life. Remember, homeless doesn’t mean you are jobless! And homeless doesn’t mean not having a vehicle either! It only means you don’t have a home!
Shall we begin?
- Be Clean: Join a 24/7 Fitness Gym with shower facilities that has many locations. A hot shower, free soap and shampoo, free towels, and a shave? And you exercise too? Sign me up!
- Dump Your Garbage. Learn where all the public parks are located at. Free garbage service and access to some interesting bathroom options.
- Learn where all the Starbucks ae located (Just kidding…there is one on every corner).
- Hide right under their Noses: Find Fire Stations or Police Stations to park at. You can certain park your car in the visitor parking lot for a few hours or overnight. Who is going to check?
- Hang out in Plain Sight. Park your Honda right at the Honda dealership or Honda Mechanic’s Garage parking lot. One more care isn’t going to be noticed. Or if you have a white van, put a made up delivery company logo on your van…your van is now a delivery van. Park it in the back of a UPS store. You now look like you below there.
- Enjoy Food: Not having a home means your food budget is now huge! You can eat out all the time or you can eat healthy salads you make in the backseat. Yum!
- Visit relatives/friends during the holidays. Bless them with your presence for two or three nights.
- Find locations off the beaten path that offer free power. Invest in a long extension cord from that rest stop bathroom to your car.
- Find 24 hour Laundromats. Do laundry, drink beer, and watch TV. Everyone wins here!
- Find 24 hour Businesses. You can park in their parking lot and they will never know. People are always coming and going and your car will look like an employee’s car.
- Get a Post Office Box for your mail. But ideally, pay everything online. Have auto deposit and auto pay systems set up.
Enjoy these eleven awesome “How to be Homeless Tips!” Remember, you don’t have to let society dictate to you on how to live your life! You can still have a nice car or van, be a clean person, have a good job, and be a productive member of society by using my proven system!
Do you have some awesome advice? Well, keep it to yourself. We want only worthless and sarcastic comments below. Hmm, maybe you can add a few tips…go ahead…comment below and hit the “Like” button too.
February 7, 2017
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You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers. Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.
A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?” Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me. She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage. No one asks me “How are you doing?” But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).
One could argue that manipulating your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time). Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice? The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?
Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in you…or wants to believe in you. We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed. We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner. You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.
But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again? Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.
Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:
- Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish. Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?
- Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again. My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service. I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.
- Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night. One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)
- Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage. Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool. Then promptly fall asleep…
- Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do. Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you. It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.
- Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)
- Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you. Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard. I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much. But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?
- Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once… Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once. Do it for your spouse and your cat.
Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”. Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse. Leave a few comments below…