Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Worthless Travel Tips – Best Worthless Advice Tips for Your Next Airline Flight!

plane-50893_1920Let’s face it, you hate people, I hate people, and we really hate sitting next to them in the airplane.  Sure, we all wish we could afford First Class but we can’t.  However, we can use certain techniques to maximize your seat space on the airplane.

  1. Bring Your Own Smelly Food – Since the airlines want to make a profit, one of the first things to go was the food service.  But this is an awesome time to bring your own food along!  And it had better be extremely good and stinky.  We all know that the stinky food is the best food!  Pickled eggs, sauerkraut, sardines, garlic bread, cat food, and maybe some strange food that would make a billy goat puke is just what you need on your next flight.
  2. Stake out the Armrest – the seats and the armrest aren’t getting any bigger on airplanes these days and you need to stake your claim to them.  As soon as you sit down, stretch out and take as much space as you can.  When your neighbors arrive, just cough a lot, and wipe your hands all over the armrest.  Ha, these armrest belong to me now.
  3. Take Those Shoes Off and Let Those Stinky Feet Breath – why should your feet be trapped in your shoes?  These flight is the beginning of your vacation.  Take those shoes off and relax.dirtyfeet
  4. Don’t Brush Your Teeth – nothing says “I don’t care about life, you, or your comfort” than skipping the brushing those pearly white teeth.  Your mouth should smell and taste like the inside of a elementary school dumpster on a hot spring afternoon.
  5. Don’t Shower – Again, you want to push people away.  With your awful breath, you can add to the sensual pleasure by not taking a shower for a few days before your flight.
  6. Dress Poorly – dress like a slob AND make sure you wear the wrong travel clothes.  Pants that are too tight – check!  Coats with not enough pockets – check! A big hat that gets in the way – check!bum
  7. Have a HUGE Carry On Bag – The heavier, the better.  Just like all the unsolved resentment you carry around in your soul, your carry on bag should be just as heavy.  Make sure that you can’t lift it over your head.  Ideally, your bag should make a professional weightlifter pop a blood vessel as he lifts it.
  8. Talk to EVERYONE…be loud and proud!  Everyone wants to hear about how you had an awful time on the taxi ride to the airport, or how Aunt Megan thinks you drink too much.  Make new friends by asking questions that are way too personal.  Remember, make them feel uncomfortable and they will scoot away from you as far as their little seatbelt will allow.

As always, I know these eight awesome travel tips will really bring you to the top of your worthless life.  What better way to make it to the lower bottom of life?

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Two reasons why airline travel sucks!

Upon a recent flight home, I have discovered that I really don’t like how the airlines run their business.  The staff is friendly enough, but the baggage and meal situation drives me nuts.

Yes, I understand that the airlines have cut certain perks to keep their airlines afloat.  The meal service I can do without.  I’m ok going three to six hours on a domestic U.S. flight without a meal.  I can easily bring my favorite protein bar, a few snacks, or gum to tie me over.

However, the baggage limit and extra baggage cost drives me crazy.  If you can carry on your bag, the current fees I have come across have been $25 to $50 per piece.  Fairly simple math means that if I check in a bag twice, I have to add $50 to my ticket.  I would much rather prefer the option of paying the slightly higher ticket piece that includes a piece of baggage or having a discounted ticket that clearly states that this ticket has no checked baggage.

If you had a bag/no bag option, you’d feel less ripped off.  You know that you’d be able to check in one bag if you had picked that option.  I know I can fit my stuff into a 25 lb carry on for a week stay on Kauai.  On a business trip to New York City, I know I’d need more clothes and a larger bag and I’d pick the ticket with bag option.  I would gladly pay ahead, spend the money, and forget about it.  Money spent is money forgotten.  Pay the fee in the ticket and you forget about it.  Nickel and dime me to death and it drives me crazy.  I also remember those annoying nickels and dimes.

It just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  What happen to the K.I.S.S. formula (Keep It Simple Stupid!)?  One ticket, one checked bag equals easy flight.  Instead, it is buy the ticket, pay for your bag to fly, spend money on top of your airline ticket, do your business trip or vacation trip, go back to the airport, check in, spend more money for your bag to go back.

It’s bad enough the weight you are allowed to take has dropped from 70 lbs to 50 lbs per checked in piece.  You also lost the two pieces you use to take for free (at least they were included in the ticket cost).  Now you get nothing; just a carry on piece.  So the airline has dropped the weight by 140 lbs per person.

I’m not saying that I want everyone to bring a cage full of chickens on the plane; I just want to be able to bring one lousy checked piece and include it in my ticket cost.  If I know I’m going on a short trip, I’ll get the cheaper ticket without the baggage.  Don’t make me pay the baggage charge at the start of my airline trip.  It just gets me pissed off that the whole airline industry has gone to hell.  It reminds me of “the good old days” and I’m too young to be thinking of “the good old days.”  It is a slap in my face.  It reminds me that airline travel is a big pain the ass compared how it once was.

Sadly, we aren’t safer anymore.  We recently had a grandmother bring her loaded handgun through TSA’s awesome screening process at a major American airport.  Heck, if grandma can make it through what else makes it through security?  Yet, I can’t take my bottle of water through security while travelling with my whole family?  Seriously?  Does that make sense?

ImageEnjoy your next flight.

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