I sometimes worry myself about how I can even figure this stuff out…..
Ok, maybe you just can’t handle the whole “owing a house or renting an apartment” thing. Maybe you are more suited to living in your car or in a shipping crate by the railroad tracks. Perhaps that is more of your housing style, however, what will you do about showers, laundry, and sleeping arrangements?
Not to worry dear readers, my worthless advice about “How to Be Homeless” will give you all the awesome advice (or perhaps worthless advice) you need to be successful as a homeless person.
In addition, my tips will allow you to save money and become a success in your personal and professional life. Remember, homeless doesn’t mean you are jobless! And homeless doesn’t mean not having a vehicle either! It only means you don’t have a home!
Shall we begin?
Be Clean: Join a 24/7 Fitness Gym with shower facilities that has many locations. A hot shower, free soap and shampoo, free towels, and a shave? And you exercise too? Sign me up!
Dump Your Garbage. Learn where all the public parks are located at. Free garbage service and access to some interesting bathroom options.
Learn where all the Starbucks ae located (Just kidding…there is one on every corner).
Hide right under their Noses: Find Fire Stations or Police Stations to park at. You can certain park your car in the visitor parking lot for a few hours or overnight. Who is going to check?
Hang out in Plain Sight. Park your Honda right at the Honda dealership or Honda Mechanic’s Garage parking lot. One more care isn’t going to be noticed. Or if you have a white van, put a made up delivery company logo on your van…your van is now a delivery van. Park it in the back of a UPS store. You now look like you below there.
Enjoy Food: Not having a home means your food budget is now huge! You can eat out all the time or you can eat healthy salads you make in the backseat. Yum!
Visit relatives/friends during the holidays. Bless them with your presence for two or three nights.
Find locations off the beaten path that offer free power. Invest in a long extension cord from that rest stop bathroom to your car.
Find 24 hour Laundromats. Do laundry, drink beer, and watch TV. Everyone wins here!
Find 24 hour Businesses. You can park in their parking lot and they will never know. People are always coming and going and your car will look like an employee’s car.
Get a Post Office Box for your mail. But ideally, pay everything online. Have auto deposit and auto pay systems set up.
Enjoy these eleven awesome “How to be Homeless Tips!” Remember, you don’t have to let society dictate to you on how to live your life! You can still have a nice car or van, be a clean person, have a good job, and be a productive member of society by using my proven system!
Do you have some awesome advice? Well, keep it to yourself. We want only worthless and sarcastic comments below. Hmm, maybe you can add a few tips…go ahead…comment below and hit the “Like” button too.
Spring is here! Besides the insane amount of rain we have received in the last three weeks, spring is here and we are all happy! Pretty flowers and the smell of cleaning products are in the air. With the arrival of Spring, one should focus on the “cleaning” part of “Spring Cleaning”.
But what should you do to jump start your Spring Cleaning adventures? Oh, and you know it will be an adventure with all the worthless crap you have stuffed into your hall closet. Like a trip down memory lane (and a STD), all the forgotten items will appear once again! Your old caveman costume, your President Trump facemask, your skateboard from junior high, and your goals and dreams that you have forgotten; they can all be found in various storage bins under your stairs.
The best advice is to…wait, we never follow the best advice…we follow the worthless advice!
Before you begin cleaning, it is a great idea to learn all about cleaning! So surf the internet and watch as many cleaning videos you can find. With a quick search of YouTube, I’m sure you’ll waste away hours (if not days) of time that you could have devoted to cleaning!
To Save Money, borrow cleaning items from your neighbor. This saves you a trip to the store and saves you money. You can use almost all of their Pine Sol cleaner. Remember to leave a little in the bottle when you return it. Don’t be selfish.
Get the family involved with “Prison Cleaning Crew” game! This game involves telling your kids they have been found guilty in a court of law and now must do community service. Sure, your kids are “probably” innocent of their crimes, but this shows them that if they could have afforded a better lawyer, they could have gotten off scot-free.
Declutter – Throw it all out…bills, love letters from Beth, and credit card offers are all going to the recycling bin. She broke your heart once, you don’t need those love letters causing you to rethink your new relationship with your cat Mindi. Mindi is prefect for you, she loves you. Did Beth really love you? No, she didn’t. If she did, she would have stayed instead of running off with that rich Columbian drug lord.
Skip the Broom…use your Leaf Blower instead. Sweeping out the kitchen takes too long, just grab that leaf blower, open the patio door, and let the dust, cat hair, and winter depression get blown right outside.
Nuke your sponges! If you like to think your sponges are clean; they aren’t. Nuke them in the microwave for two minutes. If they still misbehave, throw them in the clothes dryer for 15 minutes. I can’t promise the microwave won’t report back to the government what you are doing but I’m pretty sure the clothes dryer is part of the resistance. You can talk to the dryer, trust the dryer, the dryer is your friend.
Windows – just close your blinds or drapes. See? You don’t see how dirty they are, do you?
Lightbulbs – replace those bright lightbulbs with low-watt ones. The darker the room, the less you notice the clutter and grime.
Sell and/or give all your worthless crap on Craig’s List. Remember, Craig’s List isn’t for meeting serial killers and your next “date”, it can also be use for free trash removal. You slap a “FREE” sign on any Craig’s List post and it will be gone that day. If the item is heavy, say you have a bad back and the new owners will carry it out themselves.
There is even a National Spring Cleaning week from March 12-17…oh wait, that already happened and technically spring doesn’t officially start until March 20…but you are still too late. Just wait until next year to do your spring cleaning! Just like you gave up on your hopes and desires years ago, you should give up on Spring Cleaning now.
On my recent trip to the Big Island, I left a few days before my wife and travelled by myself. Like many others, I love to take vacations and fly in airplanes. I enjoy sitting, looking out the window at the clouds, think about my cat Mr. Whiskers, enjoying the landscape below, with the knowledge that in a few hours, a new adventure awaits for me. When my wife and kids travel with me, I give up the window seat to one of them. I’ll get stuck on the aisle seat or the middle seat (I’m usually stuck in Coach because this blog isn’t a national success as of yet and I can’t afford First Class).
So, the highlight of the flight was when the little kid next to me wanted to look out the window. He asked his mom if she would ask me if I could change seats to the aisle seat.
What? First of all; man up kid, you are five years old…talk to me yourself. Stop being a whiner. Second, I don’t want to sit by the aisle because I know this kid and his mother will have to go to the bathroom 15 times during the flight, Third, the flight attendant will bump my elbow EVERYTIME she goes by with the drink cart, Finally, you know some lady will need to get something out of the overhead bin (right above my head), it will be too heavy, and she’ll drop it on my head (thus awaking me up and annoying me). Just leave me alone.
I turned to the kid, raise my left hand, slowly pulled the shade down, and said to the kid.
“Windows are for winners and you aren’t a winner.” Then, with a smile on my face, push the “Play” button on the podcast I was listening to (“How to be a Sarcastic Jerk Podcast Episode 167), closed my eyes and started my vacation.
(if you haven’t figure this out by now…this didn’t happen…work of sarcastic fiction…well, the flight and vacation to the Big Island did happen).
I have a T-shirt thief in my house; my T-shirts have become her pajamas and I only get to see my old friends as I do the laundry. However, I have a clever plan to foil this T-Shirt thief. Well, more like limit the shirts she decides to use. I have a decoy drawer of shirts! To give you a little history of men and their love for T-Shirts, I have two drawers of T-shirts (Tee Shirts). Why two drawers? I have two drawers because everyone knows men NEVER throw their T-shirts away. Unlike my worthless advice, my T-shirts never become worthless. If a man does get rid of a T-shirt, it is clearly a mistake or an accidental lapse of sanity. Who isn’t insane with your T-shirt collection is in consent danger of being stolen?
Keeping that in mind, I put all of my least favorite shirts in the top drawer and move my nicer shirts to the bottom drawer. We won’t talk about the other stack of T-Shirts in my closet; those are back up T-Shirts and we don’t need to talk about those. Then there is the guest closet with the T-shirts that I only wear during the winter months because clearly they are used underneath my sweaters. Those T-shirts aren’t allowed to mingle with the summer T-shirts. Everyone knows Summer T-shirts have sarcastic sayings so you can express your brand of humor to the world and show everyone how clever you are.
Now, I have my T-Shirts in two drawers which allows the thief to use my least favorite shirts as pajamas. She ALWAYS gets the T-shirts from the top drawer, thus never accessing the bottom T-shirt drawer. So the good T-shirts go in the bottom drawer. She gets to use some of my T-Shirts and I get to keep my favorites hidden away in a safe location. It’s a fair deal, right?
Organizational Tip: Instead of stacking your T-shirts one on top of another, put them sideways in your drawer. This way you can see the different colors of shirts quickly.
Another Tip: Always organize your shirt drawer by color. All the red shirts go together, blues, greens, etc.
I think I failed to make this a worthless advice blog post with those two awesome tips. Oh well….