March 21, 2017
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Ah, March 28 is National Hot Tub Day according to some random website I stumbled upon when I was bored one evening (who says this internet isn’t helpful and only spreads “fake news”?). Throw on your speedo, thong, or your bikini, play some Kenny G, and hit the hot tub because it is National Hot Tub Day!!
On a side tangent, I noticed that romance writers love hot tubs. They write the hot tubs into their stories all the time. Yes, I read romance novels. In between rapid reading of my gun magazines, truck magazines, and muscle car magazines, resides my collection of romance novels. Since I am a caring and sensitive guy (just ask my imaginary stalker Cyndi), you know that I am a great fan of romance novels.
But let’s get back to the focus of National Hot Tub Day and that is Hot Tubs. Hot tubs are a wonderful way to soak away your problems and worries. It’s like a vacation at your own home. I like to make sure my hot tub is properly maintained. Lucky for me, I don’t have sensitive skin, just sensitive feelings. OK, we know I don’t have any feelings but we still want to have some nice hot tub water.
Lately, we have had some cold and rainy weather. After all, it is Seattle and we don’t get sunshine until July. I’ve been feeling cold lately, so I love to enjoy the hot tub when it is chilly out. My muscles and joint loosen up and I can just sit there and float. For roughly 15 minutes, I can just relax. I can pretend I’m at a ski resort or on the beach on the island of Kauai.
Tips for Successful Hot Tub Party Day:
What if you don’t have a hot tub? Find a friend or a neighbor that has one. Then invite yourself over on National Hot Tub Day. You owe it to them to honor this day!
Avoid Alcohol – Wait, what? Yes, we all know I enjoy a nice whiskey but alcohol and hot tubs aren’t a good mix. Hot Tub water dilutes your cocktail too much. The warm water in your hot tub can speed up the process of inebriation, and can increase your chances of a hangover
Avoid Falling Asleep in the Hot Tub – you should focusing on the soaking and relaxing of the hot water. Enjoy this moment, save sleeping for your bed.
Have Music – What to play? Some Depeche Mode? Some Kenny G? Some Lady Gaga remix? The theme from the movie “Jaws”? It’s up to you, but don’t keep that stereo or iPhone too close to the hot tub. You don’t want your imaginary friends to knock it in.
Have Extra Towels Available – you know some goofball will forget his towel and then wander around your house looking for one. That’s a good way to ruin your hardwood floors. Have a stack of old towels ready for him.
Clean! – Keep the area around your hot tub clean. Vacuum up all the lose dirt, dog hair, old fern leaves, and candy wrappers. You don’t want to drag all that stuff into your hot tub.
Take A Shower – Encourage your guest to shower BEFORE they come over to hot tub. The less body oils, old sweat, stripper dust, and daily dirt you have coming into the hot tub, the better! It cuts down on chemical use.
Check the Chemical Levels – You should be doing daily or weekly check of the chemicals. Use those water test strips.
Those are my awesome (or rather worthless) hot tub tips for National Hot Tub Day! I know you won’t bother to play attention to them but at least pretend you read the whole blog post and give it a big “LIKE”. Can you do that? Thanks!
March 20, 2017
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Spring is here! Besides the insane amount of rain we have received in the last three weeks, spring is here and we are all happy! Pretty flowers and the smell of cleaning products are in the air. With the arrival of Spring, one should focus on the “cleaning” part of “Spring Cleaning”.
But what should you do to jump start your Spring Cleaning adventures? Oh, and you know it will be an adventure with all the worthless crap you have stuffed into your hall closet. Like a trip down memory lane (and a STD), all the forgotten items will appear once again! Your old caveman costume, your President Trump facemask, your skateboard from junior high, and your goals and dreams that you have forgotten; they can all be found in various storage bins under your stairs.
The best advice is to…wait, we never follow the best advice…we follow the worthless advice!
- Before you begin cleaning, it is a great idea to learn all about cleaning! So surf the internet and watch as many cleaning videos you can find. With a quick search of YouTube, I’m sure you’ll waste away hours (if not days) of time that you could have devoted to cleaning!
Learn all you can about cleaning on the internet becaus
- To Save Money, borrow cleaning items from your neighbor. This saves you a trip to the store and saves you money. You can use almost all of their Pine Sol cleaner. Remember to leave a little in the bottle when you return it. Don’t be selfish.
- Get the family involved with “Prison Cleaning Crew” game! This game involves telling your kids they have been found guilty in a court of law and now must do community service. Sure, your kids are “probably” innocent of their crimes, but this shows them that if they could have afforded a better lawyer, they could have gotten off scot-free.
- Declutter – Throw it all out…bills, love letters from Beth, and credit card offers are all going to the recycling bin. She broke your heart once, you don’t need those love letters causing you to rethink your new relationship with your cat Mindi. Mindi is prefect for you, she loves you. Did Beth really love you? No, she didn’t. If she did, she would have stayed instead of running off with that rich Columbian drug lord.
- Skip the Broom…use your Leaf Blower instead. Sweeping out the kitchen takes too long, just grab that leaf blower, open the patio door, and let the dust, cat hair, and winter depression get blown right outside.
- Nuke your sponges! If you like to think your sponges are clean; they aren’t. Nuke them in the microwave for two minutes. If they still misbehave, throw them in the clothes dryer for 15 minutes. I can’t promise the microwave won’t report back to the government what you are doing but I’m pretty sure the clothes dryer is part of the resistance. You can talk to the dryer, trust the dryer, the dryer is your friend.
- Windows – just close your blinds or drapes. See? You don’t see how dirty they are, do you?
- Lightbulbs – replace those bright lightbulbs with low-watt ones. The darker the room, the less you notice the clutter and grime.
- Sell and/or give all your worthless crap on Craig’s List. Remember, Craig’s List isn’t for meeting serial killers and your next “date”, it can also be use for free trash removal. You slap a “FREE” sign on any Craig’s List post and it will be gone that day. If the item is heavy, say you have a bad back and the new owners will carry it out themselves.
There is even a National Spring Cleaning week from March 12-17…oh wait, that already happened and technically spring doesn’t officially start until March 20…but you are still too late. Just wait until next year to do your spring cleaning! Just like you gave up on your hopes and desires years ago, you should give up on Spring Cleaning now.