Spring is here! Besides the insane amount of rain we have received in the last three weeks, spring is here and we are all happy! Pretty flowers and the smell of cleaning products are in the air. With the arrival of Spring, one should focus on the “cleaning” part of “Spring Cleaning”.
But what should you do to jump start your Spring Cleaning adventures? Oh, and you know it will be an adventure with all the worthless crap you have stuffed into your hall closet. Like a trip down memory lane (and a STD), all the forgotten items will appear once again! Your old caveman costume, your President Trump facemask, your skateboard from junior high, and your goals and dreams that you have forgotten; they can all be found in various storage bins under your stairs.
The best advice is to…wait, we never follow the best advice…we follow the worthless advice!
Before you begin cleaning, it is a great idea to learn all about cleaning! So surf the internet and watch as many cleaning videos you can find. With a quick search of YouTube, I’m sure you’ll waste away hours (if not days) of time that you could have devoted to cleaning!
To Save Money, borrow cleaning items from your neighbor. This saves you a trip to the store and saves you money. You can use almost all of their Pine Sol cleaner. Remember to leave a little in the bottle when you return it. Don’t be selfish.
Get the family involved with “Prison Cleaning Crew” game! This game involves telling your kids they have been found guilty in a court of law and now must do community service. Sure, your kids are “probably” innocent of their crimes, but this shows them that if they could have afforded a better lawyer, they could have gotten off scot-free.
Declutter – Throw it all out…bills, love letters from Beth, and credit card offers are all going to the recycling bin. She broke your heart once, you don’t need those love letters causing you to rethink your new relationship with your cat Mindi. Mindi is prefect for you, she loves you. Did Beth really love you? No, she didn’t. If she did, she would have stayed instead of running off with that rich Columbian drug lord.
Skip the Broom…use your Leaf Blower instead. Sweeping out the kitchen takes too long, just grab that leaf blower, open the patio door, and let the dust, cat hair, and winter depression get blown right outside.
Nuke your sponges! If you like to think your sponges are clean; they aren’t. Nuke them in the microwave for two minutes. If they still misbehave, throw them in the clothes dryer for 15 minutes. I can’t promise the microwave won’t report back to the government what you are doing but I’m pretty sure the clothes dryer is part of the resistance. You can talk to the dryer, trust the dryer, the dryer is your friend.
Windows – just close your blinds or drapes. See? You don’t see how dirty they are, do you?
Lightbulbs – replace those bright lightbulbs with low-watt ones. The darker the room, the less you notice the clutter and grime.
Sell and/or give all your worthless crap on Craig’s List. Remember, Craig’s List isn’t for meeting serial killers and your next “date”, it can also be use for free trash removal. You slap a “FREE” sign on any Craig’s List post and it will be gone that day. If the item is heavy, say you have a bad back and the new owners will carry it out themselves.
There is even a National Spring Cleaning week from March 12-17…oh wait, that already happened and technically spring doesn’t officially start until March 20…but you are still too late. Just wait until next year to do your spring cleaning! Just like you gave up on your hopes and desires years ago, you should give up on Spring Cleaning now.
Sorry that this is a worthless advice tip…..and it doesn’t feature any kitty cats. Well, just a picture of a cat; that’s it.
For the past few months, we have decided to clean up and get rid of a lot of stuff that has accumulated over the past 13 years here in our mansion. Part of this cleaning focus stems from my Father passing away and my Mom needing help to get rid of stuff. In December, my son and I flew to Kauai to help my mom tackle the office and help close down the photography business.
When I came home, my son and I were in agreement that we needed to clear out the clutter. His words were something to the tune of “Please don’t leave me with a bunch of stuff to get rid of when you die.” Now, I’m not planning on dying soon but I do want to remove clutter and clean up. My wife is fully onboard and my daughter thinks we are “messy” so she fully agrees as well.
Today I noticed a slight build up of kitchen grease on the very top of our kitchen cabinet above the stove. I did a quick YouTube search and came across this helpful video (see below) I thought I’d share with you. This isn’t my video or my house. Enjoy the video and if you have any cleaning tips, please feel free to share them in the comments below!
You’ll be pleased to know that this blog post is approved by both my wife and Mr. Whiskers. Yet, I haven’t had a chance to ask Cyndi, my imaginary stalker, if she likes it or not.
A few of my friends will ask “Hey, how come you love your wife so much?” Well, clearly it is because she manipulates me. She knows what motivates me into being a better person. We all know my wife is the better half of this marriage. No one asks me “How are you doing?” But they always ask about her and how she is doing. (Maybe they know she is going nuts because she is married to me?).
One could argue that manipulating your spouse is wrong, however in reality, we all do it. My wife knows exactly how to steer me in the “right” direction. Usually, her direction is the right direction (unless it interferes with Mr. Whisker’s nap time). Is it wrong to give your spouse limited choices, that result in the correct choice? The choice that, in the end, is the right choice?
Now the manipulation only works if that person believes in you…or wants to believe in you. We all want our significant other to motivate us, push us, encourage us to succeed. We all enjoy that manipulation because it appeals to our own desire to be a winner. You could say that our spouses motivate us, in which they do, but they manipulate us as well.
But what if our spouses had given up on us? Should we change the tables and perhaps push them back into a position we want them to be? Shouldn’t we rise up and encourage them to fall back in love with the loveable loser (that’s you dear reader) again? Let’s look at some completely worthless advice tips that probably won’t help you with your relationship but are nevertheless the point of this blog.
Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again:
Learn to Cook – take a good cooking class and learn how to boil water and make one amazing dish. Or just pop something in the microwave…same thing, right?
Do a load of Laundry – Sure, we know you haven’t done a load of laundry since college, but this is the time to do it again. My recommendation: use the local laundromat that offers A Full Service Drop Off Service. I’m pretty sure you can Google that crap somewhere.
Ditch the Kids – You know your spouse is tired of watching the kids, so make the effort to pawn them off to relatives or friends for one blessed night. One night of no whining….(well, except for your dog’s whining.)
Spa Night – Offer your spouse a massage. Paint their nails like a three year old at preschool. Then promptly fall asleep…
Vacuum – Instead of reminding your spouse the carpet looks like a herd of elk walked over it, plug in the vacuum and turn it on for them to do. Remember to lift your feet as your spouse vacuums near you. It’s the least you can do as you update your Facebook status about your “tough day at work”.
Speak Kindly – Don’t be the sassy smartass for one night…(unless you write a worthless advice blog. Then you should kind all the time because you know your worthless advice isn’t worth anything.)
Take Care of Your Appearance – Heck, your spouse goes out of their way to look good for you. Return the favor by getting out of your sweatpants at least once a week, taking a shower, shaving your beard. I know those sweatpants are comfortable…I wear mine too much. But they do signal to the world “Hey, I’ve given up” and that’s not you, right?
Let your Spouse pick the Movie….for once… Give in and watch the new action movie or sappy (totally unrealistic) romantic comedy… just once. Do it for your spouse and your cat.
Again thanks for stopping by and reading my “Worthless Advice Tips to Manipulate Your Spouse into Loving You Again”. Feel free to forward this on to your friends and spouse. Leave a few comments below…
It’s 12:15 am and the kids are bored. Sure, some parents would say that they should be in bed asleep but I disagree. Is that really preparing your children for the future? How will they ever be able to stay up all night and party like rock stars if they are asleep by midnight? Doesn’t the party just get started around 11 pm?
To encourage the children to go to sleep, I like to read them the latest Department of Labor Statistics report about the recent drop in the U.S. employment rate. Of course, the authors were a bit off the mark with their lack of taking into account the discouraged workers that aren’t included in the report’s figures. However this report did help to push the Dow Jones (and my heart rate up) to the 15,000 mark.
If that doesn’t put the little buggers to sleep, I usually like to talk about my bad experience at the local coffee shop where the coffee shop was out of my favorite flavor. Whoa. Hold on. It is a bit unsettling for the young minds of today and it does threaten their fragile belief in the miracles of coffee shops on every cover. What injustice is it that one can’t rely on their local coffee shop in this crazy world? It’s like not having the sun appear in the eastern sky every morning.
I try to avoid things that would give the kids nightmares. Like the time I had to park way out in the south parking lot of the mall and walk in a light Seattle rain drizzle without a hat! You have to have boundaries when it comes to storytelling. It is a thin line between an educational lesson and a nightmare that haunts you forever. Be careful when you talk about how your latte was too foamy or not quite hot enough. Children’s young minds are very impressionable.
If all else fails at getting your kids (or the kids that other parents dumped on you) to sleep, start making a list of all the chores you’ll be doing the next day with them. You might as well make this time into a proactive and productive planning meeting. Nothing else says I’m a winner than a very long “To Do List” written in purple color crayon on an old PTA newsletter.
Dust off the old broom and rev up the vacuum cleaner, we have a house to clean and dreams to ruin!
I’m proud to announce that at 10:15 pm, I have finished cleaning out the refrigerator after the “Great Pickle Juice Spill of 2011!” Yes, nothing beats having your son announce that at the bottom of your fridge sits a pool of pickle juice ready to be clean up. Instead of sitting down and enjoying a good book or watching some mindless television (who doesn’t like Jersey Shore??), I spent my evening pulling out the bottom two shelves of the fridge, cleaning them off and then….thinking to myself….
…since I am cleaning the bottom out I should also clean all the other shelves.
Out comes all the milk, cheese, eggs, Uncle Ray’s BBQ sauce, ketchup, mayo, Chinese hot mustard, jelly, beer, spinach, carrots, Jell-O, sour cream, etc. Out come the shelves to be scrubbed off with a beautiful solution of warm bleach water, gently scrubbing off the crumbs, dried out spinach, and other odd spills.
Looking into the empty fridge, one can step back and admire the cleanliness that has claimed its stake in the modern world. Yes, inhale softly the sweet smell of a clean fridge and relax knowing your eggs are once again safe from the foul smell of spilled pickle juice.