If you are sensitive, or don’t understand satire, stop reading now. This blog post will probably offend you and you’ll be all up on arms. You’ll say stuff like “Oh, you’ve gone too far.” “Oh, he must hate his wife.” “Oh, I’m pretty sure he will be dead by the time I finish reading this post because his wife will probably have killed him by now.”
Terrible gift ideas – it’s what you love and live for! Here’s a start…things to avoid…
Clothes – you can’t dress yourself. What makes you think you can buy clothes for your wife?
A picture of your dick – yeah, she knows you have a dick and that’s why she’s a mother. She doesn’t need to see the reminder of her prison sentence. She just had to look at her wedding ring to remind herself why her life sucks.
Anything to do with cleaning: she doesn’t want a new mop, vacuum cleaner, or toilet brush.
Excerise/workout/gym memberships – have you no brain at all? Why would you think this is good idea? Did you think of this when you were eating your cheeseburger and drinking a beer?
Clothes….also avoid…Anything her mom or your mom would wear and thus remind her that she is old or a mom.
A booklet of stupid coupons. You are a grown man, leave that shit to your kids.
Anything that reminds her of her past life. Her carefree, fun single life where she just thought about the next book she was going to read…what bar she was going to visit at Happy Hour….the next guy she was going to flirt with…
Sexy Lingerie – She’s now a mom, not a carefree single woman or a just married vixen. She’s now serving a prison sentence being married to your dumbass and raising your bratty kids.
Any kind of gift that is really disguised as a gift for her but is really a gift for yourself. That subscription to Boat Monthly doesn’t interest your wife.
I can hear you saying “What about x”. “But there is always an exception to the rule”??Did you just hear why you said? Yes, I know there is an exception to the rule, that’s why it is called an exception. Do you think you are exceptional enough to pull off a good Mother’s Day gift?
Trust me….No, you aren’t. You are just an average joe schmuck thinking you know best. Thinking that way is a sure way to get yourself dead. You shop in bulk at Costco and get excited when you get a good deal at the gas pump.
A weight scale – by far…this is the worst idea a sane man could buy for the mother of his children. What the hell are you thinking? Unless she is a instagram fitness model, don’t even think of buying a weight scale.
An ironing board – we all know those clothes aren’t going to iron themselves and neither is your wife. Just resign yourself to the fact she is going to take her blouse to the local dry cleaners and get charged $7.99 per blouse. Sorry, you won’t be saving any money with this lame gift idea.
Did I mention Sexy lingerie – seriously? That ship has sailed and sank to the bottom of the sea. You are lucky she even allows you to touch her, much less let you see her in anything other than her flannel pajamas.
Tracksuit – what the heck? Does she look like a Russian monster’s wife? When is a tracksuit sexy? Maybe on that 25 year old instragram model you aren’t married to.
Remember when I asked you before: Do you think you are exceptional enough to pull off a good Mother’s Day gift? You aren’t… but hey, let’s continue down your path of dillusion.
A new pet – oh, another responsibility? Wow, how kind of you and the kids. Another mouth to feed, clean up after, and take to the vet (doctor).
You know what your wife wants for Mother’s Day? She wants a weekend away with her girlfriends. And when she gets back from that weekend, she wants the house clean, the dishes done, and the laundry folded. Oh, and she wants your undying love and devotion. Is that too much to ask?
Have a great Mother’s Day!! Good luck all you Moms out there!!
Thanks for reading and commenting….