Kevin Hellriegel's Blog of Worthless Advice

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Don’t you dare call me “Brown Bag” (and other offensive terms)!

If you haven’t heard….Seattle is political correct to the extreme.  In the City of Seattle, government we have the Office for Civil Rights which has recently issued a memo to city employees in regards to some terms that could be offensive.  Include in this list is the terms “brown bag” and “citizens”.

Don’t you dare call me a brown bag…I’m clearly a taupe bag!


 Yes, I’d like to talk to you today about your offensive use of the term “brown bag” at lunch today.  Um, I understand you were talking with Sarah from accounting and mentioned the words “brown bag” to her?

 You do know that the City of Seattle has banned this offensive word and others like them, from every city employee’s vocabulary?  She also mentioned that you liked her red apple, the white milk, and her yummy leftover pizza.  Again, where you aware that these terms clearly violate the new City of Seattle’s updated offensive word policy?

 We at the City of Seattle want to make sure that the city’s workplace environment is friendly and hassle free.  You pushing your political views when you mentioned the red apple and thus referring to communists is strictly forbidden. I was appalled when you followed it with the derogatory term “white milk” comment.  Which is very offensive to Dutch people, and the pizza reference will likely alienate Italians you come in contact with.

I have also heard that you offered to share your Twinkies with some of your coworkers if they would share their Ding Dongs at a later time.  I really can’t let you mention Twinkies while you are on a site visit at the Farmer’s Market in Ballard with your fellow inspectors.  It could be offensive to the farmers in our fair city.

And since we are on the subject of fresh fruit, I should probably warn you that you can not mention Linda’s melons anymore when you see her at breakfast.  I know she is a prize winning gardener with national awards but you have to stop talking about her melons.

And please, please lay off on how extremely good the oatmeal tastes or how you like chocolate milk around our co-workers in the Sewer Treatment Plant.

For God’s Sake, stay away from asking Jose in the real estate department when you offer your nacho flavor chips to anyone as a snack.

And Carol was very shaken when she told me the story of how you ask if she liked sushi while in Chinatown outside that Japanese restaurant. What where you thinking?

 I really have to wonder if you at all a human sometimes.  When you are at the Pike Place Market, don’t wonder out loud what it would be like to have tuna instead of salmon flying through the air.  What kind of sicko are you?

 I’m rather disappointed that you didn’t take my new memo seriously.  I’m putting you on a 90 day probation period.  I strongly suggest you take this time to reflect on your recent behavior and read the updated offensive word policy.  If your behavior doesn’t change, we have to arrange for your sensitivity training in the next 30 days.

 Remember, I’m watching you.

3 responses to “Don’t you dare call me “Brown Bag” (and other offensive terms)!

  1. honeydidyouseethat August 5, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Seattle still has Twinkies????

  2. Matthew Ciarvella August 5, 2013 at 9:44 am

    It’s good to know that mine isn’t the only city that’s crazy, although this is admittedly a safer and more amusing level of crazy.

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